Dear Dad,

Most days I am just full of love. My kids make the days explode with joy {and a little hair pulling} My husband loves and supports me. We totally butt heads. But we love each other. And that, I think, is what makes us work. Makes us fight. And not just in the screamy yelly way that sometimes partners do. But in the this is worth it and let’s not eff it up kind of way.

Most days I only think of you once or twice. And most days those thought are completely reminiscent of something amazing. I share a story with a friend. Or I tell my kids about Grandpa. Ya know, I see you in them. I think you would be proud of them. Of me. I don’t always get it right. But I sure do try.

Most days I look back on our time and feel blessed that I was so freaken lucky. Not everyone is as lucky as me. I know that.

Most days I go from morning to night and I don’t remember that my heart isn’t whole.

But some days I get so flipping angry. Angry that our time together wasn’t longer. Angry that your life was too short. Angry that you and I missed so much. Angry that it wasn’t someone else less deserving of a good life. Then angry that I feel that way because how awful is it to wish this on any other person, no matter what.

You are gone. That sucks. But you aren’t really. Because there isn’t a day that goes by that you aren’t part of. There isn’t a moment in life that we don’t think of you. As the years pass I get better at getting through the hard moments. Most people wouldn’t even notice when I’m losing a little piece of my heart to heaven. The best part of loving you is that it’s never ending. So I’ve got a lot of heart to give. To you and everyone else.

Most of all, I need you to know the truth. I’m Really mad. But I’m also really full of love. I forgive you, even though it wasn’t your fault. I forgive me for all the blame I put on myself. And, it’s hard to just let go a little, but I forgive my life.

I won’t ever forget. I won’t ever be the same. But mostly…I won’t ever stop living with all the passion and enthusiasm you told me I was worthy and capable of.

Love, Me