This is going to be a precarious ramble of sorts. My brain has been on overdrive and oh-so-tired too. This time of year is busy and exciting professionally and personally but that doesn’t come with its downside. On a regular day I am feeling the motion of one step forward, two steps back. I don’t say this to complain. I love my life. It is full. I have a loving husband. Two great kids. A successful career. Family. Friends. And the list goes on. But I definitely find myself spinning off the rails at times. My patience thin (unlike my ass right now which is just another internal struggle. Today I opted for chocolate and wine and sanity. Tomorrow I will return “dwindle the size of your ass” to the list and smash some goals. Tomorrow. Today that wasn’t my jam and I quickly looked at that list of life and stoked it off. Quickly, very quickly.)
Being a mom is hard. Being a woman is hard in general, don’t get me wrong. And at one time I didn’t want to have kids and become a mom. I filled that space with other VERY rewarding things. But something changes in your brain when you become a mom, I think. Help me out…is there science to support this theory? ‘Cuz I won’t pretend to know anything legit about that, I am drinking wine, and unloading right now, not trying to prove any type of research. Being a mom means you aren’t responsible for yourself anymore. Nooooooo, no you aren’t responsible for yourself….you are responsible for yourself AND the rest of your family. And despite all my protests in life saying I WOULD NEVER MARRY A FARMER, I went and done it. Foot, meet mouth. Every. Dam. Day. That farmer’s wife role isn’t for the faint heart. But that’s for another day, another hour. I digress. Every single move you make is not without the thought of your children looming in the background. Will they wake up? Are they ok? What will they think? Are they hungry? Are they happy? What will they be when they grow up? Like, I mean seriously. I don’t know why it matters what they will be when they grow up for me to go for a run…er, walk…on the treadmill. But I swear to you, you ask yourself that.
And can we talk about no sleep…I need potatoes, add that to the grocery list….oh wait, we were talking about no sleep. It is INSANE how tired you can be and yet still go on with your day. You go on with your day, but that is not to say that you do it with finesse. Half completed tasks riddle my house. AND THEN its night time and you can’t fall the eff to sleep. What is that? Seriously people, why is my brain out to get me and destroy any grace and organization left existing in my life. Hot Mess. Or just a mess sometimes, let’s be honest.
It’s not all bad though. The smiles and milestones each day are fun and exciting. When the baby lights right the eff up just by seeing my face. I would like to say it’s always so wonderfully makeup-ed (that’s a real word, swear) but I can only attest to that honestly if three day old makeup counts too. “I love you Mommy” turns any day right around. If you ever see me with a severe case of RBF, chances are thats all it is, or maybe I am just having a bad day and bringing me coffee. Or wine if it’s after, say lunch time?! That would turn my day right around just like I love you.
I am fortunate despite the tough moments, days, or weeks. It really isn’t that often a tough moment drags on into weeks. When I am feeling overwhelmed by the fact that I have absolutely most definitely bit off more than I can chew (two kids, husbandkid, open house, volunteering, fitness class, social activities, extra curricular, school, housework….) I just sit down with a glass of wine and relish in the fact that tomorrow is a new day to never finish the to do list. And that is ok.