I was doing so good. Like, pat myself on the back good. I wasn’t letting the stress of being unable to work get to me. I was a fighter, I would come out of this and forge ahead. It would change the way the game looked for my small business, that was no doubt. But I would still set my sights on goals and conquer them…once I was allowed back to work. I was enjoying all the extra cuddles and time with my kids with no schedule. No time line. Just a loosey goosey routine of school work and games and relaxing. It was working for us. I pulled out of trusty Kitchen Aide Mixer, you know, the one that weighs more than my 2 year old. The one that is “the model up” from my sisters – which if you know her, you know the irony and hilarity in this. I baked and enjoyed it. I used to bake regularly before life got in the way. As I mentioned in my previous post, I read a lot of books, and added to the total! LIFE WAS GOOD despite the bad things happening.
But then isolation got me. Suddenly, the stress crushed my spirit and I just didn’t feel like being a fighter. I didn’t feel like it was going to be ok. How much longer could I do this for?! I need to make money, to pay my bills, to keep my business viable. I was going doooooooown….
Suddenly, doing school work seemed like a task I just couldn’t muster up the patience or motivation to do. It seemed daunting to have to attempt to sit through “another lesson” of which I had no skills to transfer to a 5 year old. I can do basic math as well as the next person but suddenly trying to help him wrap his head around ten take away seven was making my head spin. Which is a sign of my unravel since this kid knows his math…
Baking – well better lay off that. I don’t need to eat a dozen cinnamon buns myself, in two days. And really, who has self control for cinnamon buns!??? Cookies?? What cookies? The ones that I JUST BAKED and are half devoured already?! Yeah…I don’t know what you are talking about…
I was still reading books and then even that was becoming something that caused me to be annoyed. Not because I suddenly didn’t like to read but because couldn’t you see…I am reading. Leave me alone, you don’t need to eat today. Leave me alone, I can’t help you with your game. Leave me alone.
I had gone from this happy, finding the joy in the situation, catching up with all the people I love, grabbing extra cuddles and remembering things I enjoy person to this….
So I did what any self respecting person who recognizes their own shortcomings would do. I drank too much wine, felt sorry for myself, sat on my kitchen floor (ironically, my family walked passed me many times before realizing I was there. SO I guess it stands to reason, I chose the best spot to hide…) and had a wee pity party.
AND THEN, I got up, dusted off the toast crumbs, drank more wine and SNAPPED THE FUCK OUT OF IT.
It isn’t serving me to wallow and be worried that I won’t be back to work until June. Sure, I might not be, and that will reeeeeeeeeally suck. I am glad to not be essential in a lot of ways though. I have two tiny humans who count on me to keep them alive. And right now that means I count myself lucky that I don’t HAVE to go to work and I can stay here with them. Some days are hard…really fucking hard. Some days are dance parties all around! (ok, and maybe some days are day drinking.)
But, what I want to remember at the end of this, when we all come out of our bunkers, is that we did it together, separately. And the memories we make will last a life time. And that when we look back on this and say “remember when….because of the virus” that the memories of me sitting on my kitchen floor last just as much as the ones of high fiving over another day of home school accomplishments and the forts we build and the lessons we learn.
Oh wait…because I can’t miss out on a shameless plug. Here is todays PSA.
Also, while you are at it – go ahead and thank a farmer.