“The days are long but the years are short”
A mantra I often repeat in my head to get me through the moments of complete and utter frustration filled with impatience and maybe even a little resentment sometimes. I try to be the ever present mom that never gets annoyed, that always only cares about what wonder you are seeing in the world. But sometimes, probably more often than I should feel it, or care to admit, the days feel like anything but wonderful.
My proudest moments are filled with you. The way the two of you just shared the biggest hug. When you learn something new. When you show the world just how sweet and perfect I see you to be. My heart didn’t know love til you came into my life. I also learned that there is so much more to being a mom than loving and feeling proud.
Giving you experiences in life is part of my job. Even if sometimes they are hard for me. Letting you go on an overnight adventure three hours away that quickly came to be a four night adventure because you were having so much fun and being so brave without me there was difficult. “What if”… followed by every single scenario imaginable popped into my consciousness and plagued my thoughts repeatedly. (Side note: I was never worried about his well being so much as mine I think)
Then came the other plaguing thoughts.
I miss him. But. I’m enjoying a little extra time.
I miss him. But. Not as much as I think I’m supposed to.
I miss him. But.
I would have jumped in my truck and been there in a moments notice if your little soul needed me but I was enjoying the break too.
It was extra time with your brother that he’s never really gotten. It was extra time for me that I’ve been so desperately searching for the last few months.
And in those moments that I felt like I was supposed to miss you a little more, I felt like the most heartless terrible mom on the planet.
Then, you know what Moms, I talked myself right the fuck out of that nonsense. You know what I was before kids? Oh, no? It seems sometimes people forget that before procreating these wonderful little specimens that I was something other than a mom. I was a friend, daughter, wife. Business woman & dreamer.
So in those moments where I thought I should feel bad because I should feel a little more longing for my kid (who was having the most amazing time ever and didn’t even want to come home when I got him to) I told myself to STFU. Because although being a mom will be my 24/7 gig, my priority for all of time, I also got to be me. With a side of a one year old.